9-3-16

Today has hit me hard.

I noticed that he left his key behind. Cried.

I looked in his room. Cried.

His shampoo and all toiletries are gone from the bathroom. Cried.

I told a friend that waking up and not having him home was sad. Cried.

I'm writing this. Crying.

I need to repeat this mantra: He has not left me. He has just grown up. This is supposed to happen. This is what parenting feels like. This is normal. If I didn't feel sad, that would be abnormal.

I Google "Empty Nest Syndrome" and find page after page of descriptions and advice for coping with the LAST ONE TO LEAVE THE NEST. 

This is why it's so hard. He is the last one.

And he's my son.

And I worry. 

Squirt, please be well. Please find friends. Please find joy in the mountains. Please find your passion in life. Please drive safely. Please be careful while biking. Wear your helmet. Please see a doctor if you are sick (you have health insurance only until February). Get your teeth cleaned every six months. Please don't fall off a mountain. Please come home for Christmas.

And please call your mother regularly. She misses you and loves you more than anything. Know that. Know that to be the ultimate truth.

"Sons are the anchors of a mother's life." ~Sophocles

Feeling tossed about in the waves about now.

The gate. Children must pass through the gate.

But the gate is never locked-

and home is always waiting with a loving embrace.

9-2-16

A year of weight.

Look at my weight loss since January 2016 when I dedicated myself to walking.

Got my cholesterol checked today-- it has gone from 249 to 210.

That was the bright spot today.

Department meeting was peppered with shocks throughout.

Pulled muscle or something in back has me alternating ice and heat, and I cannot sit for long, and driving is hard.

9-1-16

Squirt liked to keep his cup here. Our shopping list is above it. He left today and left his cup behind.

I cried like a baby and hugged and kissed him and told him to be happy and call me if he's sad and keep in touch and I hugged him again real hard and cried again. He left. Dan went with him-- they are driving to Colorado. They are going backpacking with Jes for the weekend, then Dan is helping Squirt move into his new apartment, then flying home. We will be by ourselves. In 30 years we have never had the house to ourselves. Even when Squirt was off at his first college experience in 2009, we had Frisbee. 

Quiet.

Sad.

I miss my son.

I remember the night when he was about 18 months old-- he could walk, but was just starting to talk well. 

Middle of the night he calls out. I go to him and hug him. 

Tissue, he said.

Tissue? You want a tissue?

No, TISSue.

I pick him up.

He kisses me. 

TISS you.

My son.

Yes, yes, he was a momma's boy... but that boy was so loved by his momma.

8-31-16

Four years ago, I sent Squirt a text message from this restaurant encouraging him to apply to Auburn and move with us here. He did. He graduated. Last night, we took him to dinner at the same restaurant for our send-off. He leaves tomorrow for Colorado.  It doesn't feel real. 

8-30-16

Taught tonight after a 12 hour day that contained some significant scary pain. But I survived and class went really well. The topics were 5E and inquiry, and we did checks lab, energy ball, and relative density lab.

8-28-16

Sunday. I felt good today. Walked this morning-- then went to the store, shopped, then cooked, and took a curry dish to a pool party potluck with some female friends. 

8-19-16

The floor is gone. All of it. This is looking through our house into the crawlspace from the shower corner.

Today I felt better. Worked all day on stuff and went to a friend's for a work social this evening. It was fun.

8-18-16

This is where the shower used to be. See the drain hole?

You can see now that the floor is gone. There were 3" of concrete under the tile. They had to hammerjack it out.

I came out of a two day migraine today. Reducing that medicine was hard, plus, I think I got dehydrated from all the Benadryl to sleep. Ug. Went to yet another doctor today.

8-15-16

Here is where the sink was two days ago. 

Today was the first day back at school for me and I felt poorly. Called the neurologist and he told me to reduce one medication. Hopeful.

8-13-16

BEFORE (demolition starts today)

 Moment of awe at the park

Get together tonight with old friends from high school. 

I made an apple and blueberry cobbler that was gluten, sugar, egg, and dairy free.

But after eating two servings my face started hurting bad. 

I wonder if too much fructose makes it flare.

8-12-16

I'm trying to capture moments of awe to off balance the moments of pain.

I have trigeminal neuralgia, and I probably always will. Finding the right medications, doses, times to take them, foods to avoid, is hard.

8-11-16

Woke at 4am as usual and decided not to fight it. Got up and productively worked. Walked. Ate. Worked. Napped. Worked. Cooked. Cleaned up. Watching Olympics. Ready for bed.
My street.

8-8-16

Hole in the floor at the coffee shop. Taught a 5 year old to knit today while chatting with his mom. I had herbal tea.

8-7-16

Pecan tree on my walk this morning.

8-5-16

Rainy day after a terrible night's sleep. A day of pain.

8-4-16

Just a walk in the park. Started a new anti-inflammatory diet today. Hope it calms my firing nerve.

8-2-16

Guess who moved home? He is sorting through all his stuff to figure out what to store in the attic, what to pack in the car, what to sell (most of the furniture is in the car port or his room), and what to save in boxes for shipping later. The plan is to leave for Denver in a week. SQUIRT!!!! We will miss you so much!!!

My walk this morning...

To see the muddy lake

And rain blessed bald cyprus trees.

8-1-16

I finished this today. The pattern is called Hitchhiker and the brand of the yarn is The Alaskan Yarn Company and the colorway is Denali Autumn, and I bought the yarn from a yarn store in Homer, Alaska called Knitty Stash. I started it in Alaska and finished it in Alabama.

It's squishy and yummy.

I took a break from grant writing today to do some cooking! 

Salad with toasted pumpkin seeds... and two little tomatoes I grew.

Grilled chicken with red peppers, toasted pine nuts, basil, garlic, parmesan, and onions.

7-31-16

I'm trying to walk each morning around 7am and greet the day. I have a nice park to walk in. Today ends the month-- a month wrestling with pain while trying to enjoy life day to day. The pain is better than it was in June, but flare ups happen and scare me. Remembering the peace I felt in Alaska helps ground me and relax my nerves. I'm worrying about this fall-- about my mental health, my pain, stress, and just dealing with teaching and working again. Dan and I plan to take several weekend-away trips to cool places like Appalachicola or Highlands to sink into some nature therapy.

7-29-16

First fruits from the tomato garden. Small. Not many buds left to turn into tomatoes. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong...

But i CAN grow sunflowers from seed!

Today was my visit to the eye doctor and I got a new prescription for stronger reading and stronger distance glasses. Figures.

7-28-16

I bet you'll never guess what's in this thing.

My grad student gave it to me. It's precious!

7-26-16

Dan wired my lamp!!! It was a pain in the rear end for him.

Now for a lampshade that doesn't belong to another lamp, and I'll put it in my bedroom.

7-23-16

Can you believe I took this photo with my iPhone? The museum is lovely tonight!

And 200 people are here playing games :)

I made a mobile from found objects and handmade ones. Dan calls it my VooDoo thing. I didn't know, but "mobile" means "able to move freely." Makes sense. I never thought of that before.

7-22-16

Nana is learning how to use Pokemon GO from her grandsons TheBeard and Squirt

7-21-16

I finished my first baby blanket. I'm not sure who it will go to, but my plan was to give it to my first grandchild. I knitted it in Alabama, and in Alaska. It has the scent of a campfire and the fresh air of mountains.

7-20-16

Yesterday was all about going to Montgomery to a neurologist who put me on more medicine and told me, "My mother always said, 'shut up and do what I tell you' and that's what I'm telling you." I didn't like his bedside manner, but hope the meds help.

Dan bought the stuff to put my birdhouse on a pole in the garden at the border with the woods. He pounded the pole into the ground today and we mounted the house. I hope some bluebirds find it.

Ran around this morning, and went to an art talk with my mom at a gallery nearby. Talked with a friend about making jewelry. It was a good day.

7-18-16

I gave blood today. To the lab to be tested. Five vials. Looking for anything the may be causing the facial nerve pain. I'm resigned to live with it forever and relish peace and joy when they visit. Thank God for K, the love hate medication that saves my life every day.

7-17-16

I made a creative dinner for family and friends tonight. Tried out a few dishes I'd had in Alaska (got pretty close) and some new ones. This is freshly picked figs and strawberries on a honey infused cream ricotta vanilla sauce.

7-16-16

Today my Nana would have been 108. I think about her every day. Seriously. So grateful for the love she gave me in my early years. I was held and cherished.

I tried the game. It's not addictive yet.

7-15-16

What day is it?

We landed in Atlanta this morning, and it was 9am by the time we got home. The usual unloading and unpacking and washing of laundry ensued along with naps, dinner at Mom's and an early bedtime. Today I picked flowers from the garden, still experiencing my Alaskan Range High.